What if Mozart had email?

From: Mozart, Leopold
Sent: Monday, November 8, 1782 7:21 PM
To: Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus
Subject: your mother

Hope you’re settling in to Vienna. Mom is wondering when you’re going to visit us.

Mom ran into Mrs. Salieri the other day at the store who told Mom that Antonio has been having a really hard time finding freelance work in Vienna. I don’t think you’re going to do any better. I bet if you wrote the Archbishop a really nice email, he would let you have your old job back.


From: Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus
Sent: Wednesday, November 25, 1781 2:05 AM
To: Mozart, Leopold
Subject:  RE: your mother

I don’t know how many ways there are to tell you: i’m never going to work for the archbishop again. The guy is one of the biggest dicks in the church. Trust me.

The reason why antonio salieri is having trouble freelancing is bc that guy wouldn’t know a beautiful composition if it bit him in the ass.

nyway, what do you care. It’s not like I’m asking you for money…

The reason that I haven’t visited besides that i’ve been busy as shit composing fucking brilliant symphonies is that mom was a real bitch to Costanze. sorry, but that just doesnt fly in the mozart household.

sent from my iPhone

From: Mozart, Leopold
Sent: Monday, November 25, 1782 7:30 AM
To: Mozart, Wolfgang Amadeus
Subject: RE: your mother

Was almost thinking we wouldn’t hear from you.

When I was your age, I also thought, misguidedly, that I would be much happier if I could just get out from under the big bossman and work for myself. Boy was I wrong.

Oh, ran into the Archbishop’s cousin Ted in old Salzburg. He thinks there’s a good chance the Archbishop would hire you again if you apologize and send a gift.

Mom asked me to ask you when you’re going to visit. I told her that you don’t have time for us right now…